8 Christmas Songs That Suck

Click on song titles to hear the atrocities (just in case you don’t know them).

1. SAME AULD LANG SIGN by Dan Fogelberg

The song sucks because…

First of all, this isn’t even a Christmas song. If it weren’t for the fact that the setting is “Christmas Eve” there wouldn’t be any reason to believe Xmas has anything to do with it. Auld Lang Sign isn’t a Christmas song either. In the US it’s a popular new years song and auld lang sign means days gone by. So why I’m hearing this song on the radio crammed between Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman is beyond me.

not pictured: Dan Fogelberg's depression

Next, this song is depressing. It’s basically about Danny Fogelberg running into an old lover and them telling each other how she married the wrong guy and he hates traveling. They down a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon outside a liquor store. No presents, no cookies, no Santa, no baby Jesus, nothing. Even the snow turns to rain at the end. Lame.

Finally, this song is a “story telling song,” which (unless we’re talking about Billy Joel) is going to set off my hey-this-is-crap sensors. I can’t help but be reminded of “Trapped In A Closet” by R. Kelly…I don’t think we want that kind of rubbish in our Christmas tunes.

inspiration.

The worst lyric is…

“She went to hug me and she spilled her purse. And we laughed until we cried.”

Oh come on! You laughed because of a spilled purse? Have you ever seen a woman spill her purse? It’s usually not something she finds funny. Besides, this is the problem with songs that are a narrative AND rhyme – the finished product makes no dang sense.

now THAT is funny.

2. GROWN UP CHRISTMAS LIST as made popular by Amy Grant

The song sucks because…

It’s confusing. At the beginning we’re talking to Santa! You know…big beard, bowl full of jelly, leaves presents for hopeful children. Yet instead of going along with the playful nature of Santa, the song gets all serious talking about war and lying. You can’t say… “seriously though, Santa, I’d like world piece.” Either you aren’t serious about the person you are talking to, or you aren’t serious about what you are asking for. You can’t have both.

IF Santa could bring about that kind of change and healing don’t you think he would?! If not, what kind of sick and twisted person is this Santa?

Santa actually prefers war

I find this song whinny and annoying. It just doesn’t feel like the spirit of Christmas if you wallow around in the world’s problems. It’s supposed to be the season to celebrate, not sulk.

The worst lyric is…

“Well heaven surely knows, that packages and bows, can never heal a hurting human soul.”

That’s right, offering gifts to one another has absolutely no effect on emotional pain and stress…heaven knows it! If you’ve ever given someone a gift to cheer them up then you’ve done them a disservice. If the above lyric is even remotely accurate, then you can include “crappy songs filled with pipe-dream ideals” along with packages and bows.

3. CHRISTMAS SHOES by Newsong

You just HAD to know this was coming. This song single handedly has the power to put me in a bah-humbug mood. If this list were in ranking order it would easily be number 1. Here’s how listening to this song goes.

1st listen: you cry.
2nd listen: you think “man, that’s a sad song.”
3rd listen: you fantasize about ripping out your stereo and tossing over the next bridge
4th listen: you turn the radio off before the song’s evil powers can infiltrate your otherwise positive attitude.

The song sucks because…

It is a song that intentionally goes for emotional manipulation for purposes unknown to those whose soul’s are still intact.

he totally gets it, though

The biggest issue is the boy.

The boy seems young because:

-he believes his mother needs to look a certain way when she dies
-he says ‘daddy’ instead of ‘dad.’
-he doesn’t understand money and how to count and/or use it….HOWEVER

He seems older because:

-he’s out on his own w/o parental supervision
-he has a decent grasp and memory of Christmases past and that his mother “did without”
-he understands the idea that time is short and that his mother will soon be dead.

Clearly this is no real boy, but a tool of manipulation. Its a story-telling song, so that makes it even worse.

The worst lyric is…

“Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes.” Yeah right… Actually it’s just the whole concept of the song that bugs me the most. Why on earth is this kid out buying shoes when his mother is clearly on her deathbed? I bet his mother would rather spend time with her children in her final moments than have a pair of cheap shoes.

A side note. My friends Nick and Lucas discovered that if you sing the song so that the object is “christmas boobs” rather than “christmas shoes” it not only makes the song much more tolerable but downright hilarious!

4. WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME by Paul McCartney

The song sucks because…

This song like most Beatles songs has that Lo-Fi sound that makes it seem empty. Also like many of the Beatles’ songs it’s overly simplistic in both arrangement and lyrics. I’m not the biggest fan of Paul or the Beatles though I understand their contribution to the rock/pop world, but did anyone ever look at these guys and go “hey this music isn’t that great?” I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! I don’t hate it, but it’s not good.

Oh and that synthesizer…ugh it’s sooo terrible!

The worst lyric is…

“Love choir of children sing their song. ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong.” According to the song, they’ve been practicing that all year long…which effectively makes them the worst children’s choir in the world.

5. THE MAN WITH ALL THE TOYS by The Beach Boys

This song sucks because…

How would you like it (bop) if I wrote (bop) a blog (bop) with a mercilessly repeated meaningless word (bop) and you had no choise (bop) to read it (bop). Yeah that would suck right. Well that’s what the Beach Boys did with this little number. I can’t even legitimately listen to the song w/o getting distracted by that nonsense.

The worst lyric is…

“Bop.”

6. THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY by Kathrine K. Davis

This song sucks because…

You know what the little drummer boy is about? It’s about a boy who meets baby Jesus and wants to give him a gift and he ends up playing a nice drum solo. Sounds good right? I actually like the story of this song, I think it’s cool. It’s a little more realistic then the man-child out buying Christmas shoes. But the song gets on my nerves for the same reason the Beach Boys should’ve been hung in public for Man With All The Toys. Pa rum pum pum pum.

I just can’t take any artist seriously when I hear them sing pa rum pum pum pum. It doesn’t sound like a drum at all. It just sounds stupid. Remember Little Caesar’s Pizza? Remember how when ordering the special you just couldn’t bring yourself to say “pleaser pleaser” or something ridiculous like that so you’d just say, “uh I’ll have this deal” while pointing at your coupon. It’s the same way with goofy lyrics in songs like the Little Drummer Boy.

no pizza is worth this humiliation

The worst lyric is…

“Pa rum pum pum pum.

7. EVERYTHING EVER DONE BY MANNHIEM STREAMROLLER

…which isn’t a song, I’m just saying that all their songs are bad.

These songs suck because…

The sound is dated and terrible. Whenever I hear this stuff I imagine a couple of musicians picked up from a few decades ago (via time machine) and then trapped in a room with nothing but Casio keyboards set to mimic real instruments and are then forced to make Xmas arrangements. They simply DO NOT update their sound and as more time passes their music becomes more difficult to hear.

beware the "demo" button

The worst lyric is…

Well, there are no lyrics.

8. BLUE CHRISTMAS as made popular by Elvis Presley

This song sucks because…

Everything about this song is simply blah. From the melody, to the lyrics, to the instrumentation. Seriously, nothing exciting happens in this song…even the backup singers sound like they are about to pass out. I usually like blues but just because you say you are blue (over and over) it doesn’t mean your sound resonates with an otherwise exciting genre of music.

The worst lyric is…

“And when those blue snowflakes start falling, that’s when those blue memories start calling.” Blue snowflakes? Good grief..

note: not real

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21 comments

  1. Fantastic review you hit the nail on the head with 2 of the worst songs of all time, “new shoes” and Dan Fogelberg”s. Everytime I hear these I wanna charge the radio station for making me hear this junk. I think Christmas music should be upbeat, incite “good times” and laughing…nothing depressing, whiney, etc so don’t sing that your Mom’s dead, about war, or failed relationships. Brenda lee got it right….”rocking around the Christmas tree!”

  2. Wonderful Christmas Time is the worst. It should be a jingle for Cheez Whiz more than a Christmas song.

    I’m with you re: the Beatles. It’s amazing how many people love Paul McCartney’s songwriting when a lot of his stuff is really lame. How many good songs has he written since the Beatles? It is obvioius that John was the talent in that songwriting duo. His bass playing is overrated too. He’s actually a mediocre rhythm guitarist who ended up playing bass probably because John and George were better guitarists.

    1. I actually expected the pitchforks and torches to come out after bashing both Paul and Elvis, but regardless of how great a fan you are…you’ve got to admit those songs are terrible.

      “simply having a wonderful cheez wiz time!” yeah, I could see that.

    1. It was torture just having to listen to the song for the sake of the post. I haven’t heard the full thing in several years b/c I always change the station immediately.

  3. Even though I mostly agree that these are not very good songs, (I’d never heard the one by the Beach Boys) I must play the part of the contrarian. Song lyrics have nothing to do with rational thinking or logic. They have to do with exaggeration, poetry and imagination. They probably also have to do with agents and producers who want a popular group to do a Christmas song, any Christmas song, so the adoring fans will spend more of their money. If you just love the Beatles and have everything by the Beatles you’re going to buy their song (which I happen to like, but don’t own) just because you like the group. Some people are miserable at Christmas, so they buy music to match their mood, thus Blue Christmas and the song about the shoes. For what it’s worth, this is my opinion. ob la di ob la da, life goes on …

    1. Some great points! I think some producers have artists crank out Christmas songs because they know fans will buy it regardless of quality.

      At the same time I hear an abundance of Xmas songs full of rich imagination, colorful and irrational language, and even some down beat themes yet those songs are a joy to listen to. So for me, I blame the artist for bad songs.

      But it all comes down to opinion in the end anyway.

  4. As long as we are burning Christmas to the ground in the cleasing fire of good taste I would like to throw another log on the fire…

    Christmas Conga by Cyndi Lauper. If you can listen to more than 45 seconds I will buy you a coke.

    1. I’ve never heard that one…haha I’ll check it out. I also was reminded of another terrible song. Hear Those Bells by Russ Lee.

  5. I may not agree with everything said here, but the way you said it was well thought out, intelligent, and (most importantly) HILARIOUS! I’ll just say thanks for leaving Michael W. Smith alone.

    Also, if we’re holding to the philosophy that Christmas songs should bring us cheer and merriment I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up “Do They Know it’s Christmas” by Band Aid. What better way to spread holiday cheer than to tell us all that we’re uncaring about those who are less fortunate? YAY!

    1. Hey Z! thanks for stopping by. I actually like “Do They Know it’s Christmas” mostly because of that little riff after the hook…sounds awesome with the choir :)

  6. Check out Twisted Sister’s Christmas album, it’s amazingly something. I’ll let you decided whether that’s good or bad.

    Also thanks for the Christmas boobs lyric. That will forever change the song for me, I actually can’t wait to hear it again just so I can sing it for Nish.

    1. I think there should be a John and Tyler’s Greatest Christmas Hits album. “I go to the north pole when I want toooooo….”

  7. None of you have a heart! Christmas Shoes is an amazing song with an inspiring story behind it. Christmas is about Jesus and giving not santa and snowmen!

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